Writing guidance from donor families

Writing to a recipient isn’t necessarily easy. After all, how do you start? It may take you a very long time, or you may choose to write back quickly.

There are no rights or wrongs to this process, you should do what feels right to you.

Donor family members Helen and Judy have kindly put together some guidance on writing to a recipient based on their own experiences.

This means you can get tips on how to structure your letter from those who have been in the same position as you.

Making first contact

You may have been waiting to see if they would write to you. You may feel you should have received a thank you. However, it can be very daunting for recipients to write for fear of upsetting you.

Writing to a recipient may bring out strong emotions, especially if you decide to tell them a little bit about your loved one. It can feel very painful to write as it will cause you to revisit the death of someone you loved deeply.

However, writing to a recipient should be a positive experience even if you only write once or twice. You may also feel pride that your loved one has given the Gift of Life.

Your letter can be any length, and you can write on paper or by email. You may choose to send a quick note inside a ‘Thinking of You’ card. You may choose to include a photograph of your loved one.

Whichever format you use to write, you should always ensure you keep to the guidelines set by NHS Blood and Transplant (NHSBT) to protect both your own anonymity and the anonymity of the donor. The Donor Family Care Service will not be able to pass on your letter if you include any personally identifiable information.

How do you start?

Here are some suggestions to get you started. Don’t be surprised if you redraft your letter several times.

If you are writing first, you will not know the name of the recipient so you could start with:

Hello, my name is [your name] and my [son, daughter, husband, wife, mother, father] was your donor.

I am writing to see how you are, and really hope that you are well.

We would like to tell you a little about [donor's name] and would love to know how you are doing if you feel able to write.

If the recipient is a child you will be writing to their parents.

The middle part of your letter

You may want to add some information about your loved one here. What you decide to write may depend on their age.

Here are some suggestions:

The donor’s relationship to yourselves, their first name.
Things your donor liked to do; sports they liked, hobbies, music, pets they loved, lifestyle etc.
What kind of a person the donor was; their character and temperament.
Whether you had talked about organ donation as a family. Was this their wish?

You may share if other organs were donated.

You may or may not wish to include the cause of death, this is entirely your choice.

The end of your letter

To sign off

Judy's story

This guidance was kindly put together by donor family member Judy.

This is Judy's story in her own words:

"My son, aged 27, died suddenly from a massive brain haemorrhage and tragically nothing could be done to save him.

"I knew instinctively that he would want to donate his organs although we had never discussed it. He had actually signed the Organ Donor Register several times!

"We knew that six people had received a transplant from him and I wanted to write to them to ask how they were doing and to let them know that we would welcome hearing from them. I have had contact with five of the six recipients and their letters are very precious to me."

Replying to a recipient’s letter

Writing to a recipient may bring out strong emotions, especially if you decide to tell them a little bit about your loved one.

Your reply may be painful to write, as it will cause you to revisit the death of someone you loved deeply.

However, writing to a recipient should be a positive experience even if you only write once or twice.

Your letter can be any length, and you can choose to write on paper or by email. You can even just write a quick note inside a card if you don’t feel like writing very much.

How do you start?

How do you write the first sentence on a blank page? It’s scary stuff!

Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Dear [name of recipient, if known]

Thank you so much for your lovely letter. It has helped us to realise that our decisions were the right ones to make
Thank you very much for writing to us, we really appreciate your kind words. It was a lovely surprise to hear from you, thank you for taking the time to think about us
Thank you for your letter and kind words. Our family are really pleased that you are well and making a good recovery
I’m sorry it has taken so long to reply to you and hope that you don’t feel we have ignored you
It is of great comfort to us to know that you are well

The middle part of your letter

You may want to add some information about your loved one here. What you decide to write may depend on their age.

The donor’s relationship to yourselves, their first name
Things that the donor liked to do; what kind of books/music/films/TV programmes they liked
What kind of person the donor was; their character and temperament
Whether you had talked about organ donation as a family. Was this their wish? Would they be happy that they were a donor? Which other organs were donated?

You may or may not wish to include the cause of death, this is entirely up to you.

The end of your letter

To sign off

This depends on how formal you would like to be.

Kind regards
Best wishes
Take care

These are all good informal means of signing off.

Yours sincerely is more formal and can be used when you know the recipient’s name. If you do not know the recipient’s name, you can use ‘Yours faithfully’.

Whatever you write in your letter will be deeply personal to you and you may wish to keep a copy. Good luck!

Helen's story

This guidance was kindly put together by donor family member Helen.

This is Helen's story in her own words:

"My daughter died in her mid-twenties from a stroke which caused ‘catastrophic brain injury‘.

"We asked if she could be an organ donor as she had already signed the Organ Donor Register and it was something our family had talked about.

I received a letter written in a card from one of her kidney recipients. The gentleman who received one of her lungs wrote to thank me and we now contact each other regularly."

Writing guidance from donor families

On this page

Making first contact

Replying to a recipient’s letter